I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore. And I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore. When do you think it will all become clear? Because I’m being taken over by the fear.
I cannot fathom what has become of my personality. My mind. My instincts. My habits. My morals. Everything is changing and I am always so exhausted from keeping up with trying to make life worthwhile. I’m not talking about being obligated to do things, I’m talking about what defines making life worthwhile. And why I feel fatigued all the time trying to figure out what I want from life and how do I go about doing it.
Sometimes I’m afraid that people think I don’t care enough. As much as I wish I could do much more to be there for them, I simply don’t feel comfortable doing it. Another case is how I always look like I don’t give a damn. I care. I care a lot. I just suck at showing it. I am terrible with words and even worse with actions. When someone cries, I haven’t got a clue what ‘comforting’ or ‘consoling’ even begins with.
It’s not your fault. I was so angry inside but then I knew what I was in for the moment I closed the door behind me. I don’t want you to feel upset with yourself, but then I want you to feel the magnitude of my discomfort. Apart from that, I wouldn’t know how to tell you that I hated how you tried to push it. Please don’t be sad.
You don’t think I know that already? You’ve never gone through what I’ve been through. I, of all people, know what it’s like to be a child of this era and I am perfectly aware of the consequences of failure. I have been a failure for far too long and I do not intend to fall back on that path anymore. Whatever that happens on the side? You can’t control that either. This is my life, and I may not know the meaning of a work life but I know damn well what I want in my life.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.