You two are the light of my life now and if I ever screw up, so help me God, I will burn in eternal damnation. Some moments have me feeling surreal because I don’t feel the way I thought mothers would feel, but then she smiles at me and my heart feels full. I’m so thankful for her and her father. Everything feels like it fell right into place. Happy one month as our little family.
I want to save this so badly, but I can’t even remember why I love you at all. When I’m not filling the silence you don’t step forward and take the lead. When it’s silent, do you even realise that I’ve been left by myself for so long?
You can calculate and do all the planning you want, but what’s the point when I’m not part of it?
Sometimes it does feel lonely to be myself. I find myself trying to bend and adapt to whoever I’m with out of pressure to be liked and be socially accepted because some of my circumstances require that I create some sort of acquaintanceship, if not alliances.
Many of the people in my community do tend not to be well-read, neither are they too worldly, that where I stand, I’m the weird one. That person that’s always telling people weird fun facts about things, has an explanation or opinion about a concept, talks too much about theories or discusses about things no one asked about. Spewing topics about another nations consumer trend or critiquing the last episode of an obscure series. I’m too energetic and too silly. I’m shameless and loud when I’m excited, sometimes to the point of being embarrassing. Many times, I see people’s eyes glaze over when I begin to speak passionately about a topic, and it honestly hurts my soul every single time. It kills me more when the person I have to speak to leaves the conversation on a dead note. I can’t blame people for not wanting to listen to me, I know that. I just wish that sometimes I find people on the same frequency.
I learn to keep thoughts to myself amongst locals, and only revealing part of my personality to those who might be of a certain calibre. Because I’m too smart to be amongst my ghetto comrades, but not smart enough to be amongst the industry I so crave to be a part of - it’s gone both ways. I’ve been overlooked by those I grew up with (trust me I’ve tried to adapt myself to their topic of conversation billions of times and they’d still think I’m too weird to hang out with), but I am also not well-read enough to hold a conversation with experienced veterans or industry giants.
More often than not, I am also asked to shut it down, because no one really cares. I learn to listen more instead.
Being in this limbo humbles me, forcing me to see everything through a revised approach to becoming a social butterfly. I can be superficial, I can be gossipy, I can be fun, I can be chill, I can be scholastic, I can be manipulative, I can be strategic and analytic, I can be cerebral, I can feign vulnerability and I can portray dominance. But in the end, I still don’t have someone I can truly vibe with.
Maybe this is a tall order to expect out of humans. Spending this time alone is fine but I don’t know who could be as excited with me when I discover something new about the rainforest, or when I think about a new theory about a fictional book or movie character, or to share the emotion I feel when I listen to an orchestra score.
It doesn’t even have to be my lifelong partner, but bonus if it could be. I do have someone who might be that, but is just not quite. And I wonder if I just have to settle for what I have and lower my expectations. I am grateful, but I am always disappointed.
